Tumnus: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by opera13
Summary: Now you can have a Tumnus unit of your very own! Based on the delightful guides by Theresa Green.


*** CONGRATULATIONS! ***

You are now the proud owner of a MR. TUMNUS! In order to obtain top performance from your Talking Faun, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual to utilize your Mythical Creature unit to his full potential.

Your MR. TUMNUS should arrive fully assembled. Please check that you have all his accessories (see specially chosen list below) and that you have been issued with the edition of MR. TUMNUS that you ordered, as there are four:

(a) Edition I MR. TUMNUS (copyright Lewis, 1950)

(b) Edition II MR. TUMNUS (copyright Lewis/Wonderworks, 1977)

(c) Edition III MR. TUMNUS (copyright BBC/Perry, 1988)

(d) Edition IV MR. TUMNUS (copyright Walden Media/Disney/McAvoy 2005)

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: MR. TUMNUS (AKA "Such a bad faun")

Type: Faun

Manufacturers: Satyrs-R-Us, Limited.

Date of Manufacture: Narnian Year 970

Description:

Edition I MR. TUMNUS - red hair and reddish skin, with a long tail.

Edition II MR. TUMNUS - green hair and red skin.

Edition III MR. TUMNUS - red hair and reddish skin.

Edition IV MR. TUMNUS - brown hair and pale skin, rather hairy arms and a tufted tail

ACCESSORIES

Your MR. TUMNUS unit, regardless of the edition, will be shipped to you in a protective crate. Once you have determined that you have been issued the correct Edition, please check to make sure that you also have received the following accessories:

a red scarf

three parcels wrapped in brown paper

a curious wooden flute (That is to say, a curious-_looking_ wooden flute. So far as we have been able to ascertain, the flute itself has displayed no curiosity about its surroundings, though testing is still underway.)

an umbrella

Your MR. TUMNUS unit will arrive to you in his factory condition of slightly travel-stained, complete with snowflakes on his umbrella.

OPERATING PROCEDURE

Your MR. TUMNUS has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice-activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English or Narnian.

Your MR. TUMNUS can be utilized in several capacities about the house:

Host:

Your MR. TUMNUS is an admirable host, capable of seeing to a guest's every need and providing treats such as sugar-topped cakes and sardines even in the most inclement weather.

Musician:

MR. TUMNUS is extremely talented at playing the flute. Not only can most models conjure images in the flames of the fireplace, but they can put almost any visitor into a light, enchanted sleep.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

You will find that your MR. TUMNUS is compatible with most other models, with the exception of two: the JADIS model and the MAUGRIM model. Well-aged TUMNUS units can also be slightly averse to contact with most CALORMENE models.

PRECAUTIONS

Do not expose your MR. TUMNUS to fire, strong magnetic fields, electricity,

or excessive humidity.

SUPER PRECAUTIONS!

Do NOT, under any circumstances, expose your MR. TUMNUS to

a JADIS unit, for his programming will immediately begin an endless loop and he will, in effect, become as stiff and unresponsive as a stone statue…and his skin might get a bit gray and pasty, for that matter.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: Young children tend to follow my TUMNUS unit home. Why?

A: MR. TUMNUS has an inherently honest and trustworthy-looking face…well, we're attributing it to the face, because we can't figure out what else would make an eight-year-old girl walk alone through the woods with a figure who resembles classical paintings of the devil…In TUMNUS' case and only in TUMNUS' case, this should not be cause for concern. While his initial motives may be to lull the child to sleep and then turn them over to the nearest JADIS unit, he will generally repent of this behavior, call himself a bad faun, and do better next time. In the meantime, you are advised to give the child in question a stern talking to regarding talking to strangers.

Q: Ever since I bought MR. TUMNUS, my neighbors have been giving me weird looks. Why?

A: Hmm, could it be that the red skin, goatee, horns, hooves and tail remind them of someone else? We recommend showing them that MR. TUMNUS is not a minion of evil by pointing out that said minions do not wear fuzzy scarves.

TROUBLESHOOTING

Problem: MR. TUMNUS keeps staring at me for instructions on things to do to occupy his time while I am busy and have no entertaining for him to do.

Solution: Introduce MR. TUMNUS to the Mr. Tumnus Chatbot at The Lion's Call web site. He'll spend hours talking to himself.

Problem: I asked MR. TUMNUS to play me to sleep on his flute the other night. After a while, I sort of drifted off. As soon as I was out, he snapped his fingers in front of my face and started sobbing. I was up all night handing him tissues.

Solution: It sounds like MR. TUMNUS' guilt routine has kicked in. We recommend allowing him to play his flute for you only when you have had sufficient Starbucks stimulation to help you stay awake for it. Also, you may wish to invest in a few additional handkerchiefs.

Problem: My neighbor owns a JADIS unit. MR. TUMNUS came into contact with her for the first time today. Now he appears to be frozen and completely unresponsive.

Solution: MR. TUMNUS should avoid JADIS units at all cost, as she can cause severe physical and emotional distress to him. Call your local MR. TUMNUS service representative. Then keep MR. TUMNUS confined to the house until you or your neighbor moves.

Note: If any consumers come up with more questions, please call

1-800-BAD-FAUN. Our MR. TUMNUS secretary will be most interested to hear of any new scenarios.

FINAL NOTE

Due to the chaotic nature of an occupied Narnia, you will find that you have

not been issued with a guarantee for your MR. TUMNUS unit. However, if he is taken care of, and has had no JADIS contact, MR. TUMNUS should live for some seventy plus years. Those owners who are already used to the 6,342,000 month extended

warranties issued with LotR Elven units may find this rather disappointing;

console yourself with the knowledge that MR. TUMNUS units are much less expensive to maintain as they do not require personal stylists and top-of-the-line hygiene

products, or really any extra care at all.


End file.
